I’m from Texas. Texans can agree on a lot of things, like that we have some pretty spectacular Bar-B-Q, rivers, sports, and people here. But if you so much as whisper the words “bathroom bill” in Texas, you’re bound to be met with some strong feelings one way or another.  My husband recently tweeted that his bathroom bill would start with a ban on trough urinals.  I don’t know much about trough urinals except that I want to stay far, far away from them, so I decided to draft a bathroom bill of my own.

1. 1. 1. Mandatory soundproofing of stalls.

         We’ve all been there. You’re in the bathroom with your 2 yr old, chatting away, and it’s finally your turn to pee. You sit down, and he yells, “Mom! Where your penis!?” You remind him (for the millionth time) that you don’t have one, and the conversation is over.  Until he squats down in front of you and yells, “Oh! There you penis!” Wait, what? “No! No penis down there!” And now you’re just hoping the bathroom bill doesn’t pass because you don’t need to be questioned by the bathroom police on account of a loudmouth toddler. What’s that you say? You’ve never been in this position? Okay, well then I ask the same thing I asked a 4th grader who didn’t understand why teachers had their own rest room. “Do you want me hearing your bathroom noises?”

      2. At least one sink should either be lowered or have the option of a pull out step stool.

         

         I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the looks of utter discomfort as I’ve hoisted a kid up to a sink and smashed his body to the counter so he won’t fall so that I can wash his hands that have been touching everything. Kids don’t do a stellar scrubbing job, so I feel like I have to at least help a little! This doesn’t happen at Chick-Fil-A, because they have step stools. And so should everyone.

      3. Purse hooks must be in working order at all times.

         There’s nothing like sitting down for dinner and gazing around the kitchen only to catch a glimpse of your purse on the counter. Cue the flashbacks of your purse on the Joann bathroom floor earlier when you had to choose between wiping and holding your purse because the stall was too tiny to possibly do both at the same time, and there was no freaking purse hook. Just those 2 sad holes where there USED to be a purse hook. Tragic. Because then, instead of enjoying your dinner, you must immediately get up and wipe down the counter so you can stop being tormented by what’s schlepping off of your purse.

      4. Changing tables must be installed in order to pass code inspection.

         Because if you don’t have a changing table, that means I’m going to be changing my kid’s poopy diaper on your floor, booth, counter, or wherever else I can find a flat surface large enough to contain his wiggly behind. And also it hurts my body to have to get down and change that baby. Barry O knew what was up. Put these suckers in the men’s room too, because it is a) sexist to assume that mom must change all diapers and b) ridiculous to assume that dads never take their baby out sans-mom. It DOES happen. Maybe people think we need a bathroom bill to keep dads from sneakin’ into our zone to borrow the changing tables. Problem solved.

      5. Financial support for research and development of a bathroom robot vacuum/mop.

         I feel like this one is self-explanatory. But when I walk in a bathroom with gross floors, I can just hear Phoebe singing, “Sticky Shoes.” Except these sticky shoes are not making me smile. A bathroom robot vacuum would be ideal if it could pick up stray TP and also soak up a mess – that way I don’t have to spend my whole trip convincing the little ones that they are not in charge of that job. I have seen each of my older boys lay down on a bathroom floor. It’d make it easier for me to want to hug them later if there was a bathroom robot vacuum mop hangin’ out too.

      6. Produce literature getting the word out about these awesome chairs!

         

         I’ve only actually gotten to use this one time. It is at Fossil Rim Wildlife Center, and it was awesome.  I’ve also had to use the bathroom with a baby strapped to my chest in his carrier. This has happened on more than one occasion, but the most notable and also annoying was at a children’s museum. The logistics of this are as hard as they sound. I don’t know how the wildlife preserve took needs of moms into account better than a children’s museum, but I’d like to do my part to spread the word of this baby chair awesomeness.

Okay, in the interest of limited government I’m not actually suggesting these things be discussed by our senators – except maybe #4. That one’s a no-brainer to me. But business owners, I’m lookin’ at you! And if you have strong feelings about the actual Texas Bathroom Bill, feel free to share them with your representative. Nobody here can help you, so it’s best if you talk to someone who can. However, I would love to hear what you’d include in your own bathroom bill!

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