As a mom of three boys, it feels like sometimes no matter what I do, there are are days where the fits just won’t stop. There are times when it feels like the kids are hellbent on ensuring that I get nothing done. Then there are times where it feels like everything is going right. Smiles, laughter, and cuddles mixed in with independence and helpfulness. I try to do all that I can to make the good days more frequent than the hectic ones. But to be honest – sometimes it just feels like a crapshoot.
I do not read near as much as I feel like I should, but I do get an itch sometimes and end up browsing the free downloads on the library site. If you’re anything like me, then you can spend as much time browsing the books trying to pick something to read as you actually do reading a book. It’s exactly what happens to me in Netflix. By the time I decide what to watch, I’m ready to call it a night. The last time I got the urge to take in a book, I settled on The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman, PhD and Ross Campbell, MD, and I’m glad I did.
I don’t know what exactly made me choose it, as I’m not usually big on the self-help genre. But I guess I thought that if I’m raising three boys, maybe I should see what I could be doing better to help them become well-adjusted little humans. I’d heard someone talking about love languages in the days before seeing the book in the virtual library, so it felt like the universe was telling me something. After reading the book, making those good days more frequent feels like less of a shot in the dark, and more like something I’m actively working to make happen.
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What are love languages?
In his book, author Gary Chapman applies his “love language” theory, originally developed for couples, to parent-child relationships. While this may seem a bit odd at face value, it makes sense. We are all human, and whether it be from a spouse or a parent, we all have ways that we communicate and feel loved. The basic premise is that there are five ways in which we communicate our feelings, and that each of us has a preferred love language that makes us feel valued and loved. Think about it. You may have one child who wants to be hugged all the time, and another who could do without the hugs but is constantly asking you to play with him. These two children would have different preferred love languages. The 5 love languages are as follows:
Primary Love Languages
When applying this theory to your significant other and older children, the idea is that everyone needs a bit from all areas, but that most people will have 1-2 primary love languages. As a significant other, if you know that your partner’s primary love language is acts of service, then you would want to make a point of going out of your way to regularly take on tasks to ease their burden.
What I found most interesting about applying this theory to children is that the authors state that most children under the age of 5 do not yet have a primary love language. They require regular expressions from all five categories. Since all three of my children are 5 and under, this got me thinking and wondering if I really am showing them I care in different ways. I know that I love my kids, I know that we provide a safe environment for them, and I feel like we have a very loving household. But the bottom line is that if my kids are not feeling that, then I’m not doing my whole job.
In an effort to make sure that we are thoughtfully showing each of them love from all five approaches, we made a few super easy changes to our regular routines. As it turns out, some little tweaks to what we were already doing made a big difference!
If you’re like me and tend to forget things as soon as you’ve started something new, take a minute and print off my free Love Languages Ideas recording sheet. It’ll allow you to record anything you like here, or any ideas you have as you read/later on as you begin to implement the principles of the five love languages!
Receiving Gifts
I’ll start with this love language because it was probably the one that seemed the most out of my comfort zone. I generally do not give my kids gifts outside of “gift giving occasions.” The fact that this was a love language had me thinking that maybe I’d just have to fall short. As a stay-at-home mom, our budget is pretty strict. Not to mention, we don’t like having a lot of junk! And then to top it off, we always hear about kids being entitled or spoiled, and I don’t want to turn my sweet boys into materialistic beggars who always expect something. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic.
Since reading this book, I have changed my tune. Have you ever seen a kid who was just incredibly excited to receive a gift, no matter how small? When someone gives you a gift, it is just one more way that they can show you they are actively thinking of you. And don’t gifts that someone gives you “just because” somehow seem even more special?
So how do we do this without breaking the bank?
The “Giving it to them anyway” Gift
This idea came from the book, and I have had fun with it. My kids have felt special, and I haven’t even had to buy anything extra. The suggestion from the authors was to try wrapping something you were going to give them anyway.
I did this with a shirt that I made for my son to wear to school. He even knew it was coming. Instead of just handing it to him or laying it out for him, I took an extra 30 seconds to put it into a plain gift bag and left it at his place at the table where he’d see it when he woke up for breakfast. He was so excited. His reaction to the thoughtful addition of gift wrapping made the whole thing even better for both of us. You don’t have to make your child something to do this. I also wrapped some clothes that I had bought online just because they needed new ones, and they loved that too.
The Gift of Groceries
Wait, what? Yes. The gift of groceries. Is there something ridiculous at the store that your kids are always begging you to get? For mine it is Scooby Snacks. Dog bone shaped grahams. I’d much rather just buy good ol’ (cheaper) rectangular grahams. But every once in a while I’ll buy those Scooby Snacks (or Frozen cheese or whatever the ridiculous thing is they’ve been asking for). And you better believe I make a big deal about it. I come home from the grocery store acting like I’ve brought home a puppy. “You guys get in here! You’ve got to see what mama got for you at the store! I picked it out special just for you!” It’s like Christmas. Only it’s groceries. And for about $0.50 extra I’ve pleased the masses.
Christmas Book Countdown
This one’s a bonus to implement later. I know, I know. You don’t need one more thing to do at Christmas. BUT this is a fun replacement for (or addition to) an Advent calendar filled with chocolates. Wrap a Christmas book per day in December (or just regular books!) and take some time to read the ‘special’ book the kids opened. (This pulls double duty for the “quality time” category!) If you’re thinking that 25 books is not cheap, you’re right. So we just wrap up books we already own, with a few new ones sprinkled in.
This has two effects. It breathes new life and excitement into our old books. It also makes the kids’ anticipation and joy for the new ones that much greater. Every time they open one that is new, it’s kind of like they hit the lottery. If you have multiple kids, this is also a great exercise in patience and sharing. One book a day means not everyone opens one every day!
Quality Time
How many times do you find yourself saying, “Just a minute …” or “After I finish … ” when your kids ask for help or attention? I know for me it is more often than I’d like. How often are we on the phone when our kids are just needing a few minutes of quality time? For me, it’s more often than I’d like. Since reading the love languages book, I’ve tried to be extremely mindful of my responses to requests for quality time.
More often than not, if my kids want to play catch or cars, they truly only are engaged for about 5 minutes before they’re on to the next thing. I’ve found that since saying, “Yes.” a little bit more often, my children actually can be a lot more self-sufficient while I complete whatever task I was about to do.
The average children’s book takes about 5 minutes or less to read, so I’ve also tried to respond to those requests with an immediate yes rather than put them off as well. I’m not suggesting that we should always drop what we’re doing the second a child asks us for some QT. That’s unrealistic and unreasonable, and sometimes what I’m doing is honestly important. But there are many times when whatever I’m about to tackle can wait while I read a quick story. Making my kids feel more important than laundry is a-ok in my book.
It may also be fun to try a new twist on a family favorite. My kids love going to the park, so I created a scavenger hunt for us to complete and it was a lot of fun! I shared it here so you can print it too! Following are a few ideas you can implement around the house:
Before School Snuggles
I wrote earlier in this post about my oldest son’s transition to kindergarten. He was having a very hard time adjusting to the early mornings and long days. We weren’t having knock-down-drag-outs every morning or anything, but he was just overall grumpy and uncooperative. We decided we’d try waking him up 15 minutes early for snuggles while he took some time to adjust. I’d be lying if I said he’s super pleasant all of the time now in the morning.
BUT the difference this small change has made has been awesome. He knows when he gets out of bed he’s going to get some one-on-one quality time. (If you can ignore the 15 month old crawling all over us!) Sometimes he talks, sometimes he closes his eyes, sometimes he wants his back drawn on. But he truly enjoys this time. I know this may be unrealistic for some schedules. But if you can’t fit it in before breakfast, I’d strongly encourage you to try to squeeze in some extra one-on-one snuggle time after school or in early evening some time.
Breakfast Book Club
This one is my husband and oldest son’s ritual. But I have to share it because my five year old looks forward to it so much. After he’s done snuggling with me, he goes on to breakfast. While he’s eating, my husband reads from whatever chapter book they’re reading together at the time. (Usually it’s an Astrid Lindgren tale! They’re both a bit Sweden obsessed, so Pippi is a favorite around here.) This time is pretty sacred for my son. On the few occasions where daddy’s been out of town for conferences, he is very concerned that I won’t be able to read to him during breakfast. (I do.) He loves getting to have a special time with dad, and it’s never a bad thing when a kid is into a book, right?
Morning Walk
With my younger boys, I’ve been trying my best to stay regular with a morning walk. Sometimes I feel like I don’t do a great job focusing on them for significant amounts of time when we are hanging at the house. I of course play with them, read, etc. But there’s always something to be done from housework to work-work (I teach part-time) to just wanting a minute of my own. When we’re on our walk though, we are free from distractions. We can play games like color spotting, bird/squirrel watching, or my three year old’s favorite – leaf or rock gathering. On days we don’t get out for our morning walk, I can definitely tell that the boys are more needy, clingy, and whiny. This works double duty for me too because I get a little bit of exercise guaranteed!
Physical Touch
I feel like with kids especially, this one is easy for a lot of us. In my experience, small children will often initiate hugs, snuggles, and physical play. For this love language, I wanted to think of a few ways outside of the normal day-to-day touch we engage in. Take cues from your kids. We have changed the way we interact with our middle child since reading the book. He used to get frustrated as we would initiate hugs/kisses etc. “I don’t like kisses!” he’d yell. He does not love unwelcome touching. We have changed from forced hugs to high-fives and hair tousles. I can tell since the change, the number of hugs and snuggles initiated by him have gone up.
What Am I Drawing? Game
This one is a favorite of my kids with their daddy. It’s quick and easy to do whether you’re sitting at home or out and about. They often play it in church (while they’re listening intently of course!) or at times when we are having to wait and be quiet or still. One of the kids will hop up in Kyle’s lap, and he draws a picture or writes a word on their back from a category they choose. I love hearing our 3 year old’s sweet voice say, “My category is …” Sometimes he comes up with some crazy stuff. It can also get pretty specific, like “tiger eating a mongoose.” So…. you want me to draw a tiger eating a mongoose then.
In any case, the big boys love this game so much that they also request at least one round of drawing on backs each night when laying down for bed. Sometimes all I want to do is get bedtime done with and go relax. But I realize how important it is for me to take a few extra minutes to draw a little picture and spend some extra time with them.
The Dab Hug
This is another one of my husband’s “games.” It sounds silly because it is. Instead of just tackling a kid for a hug, he engages in a “dab hug.” It’s where he pretends like he’s going to force a kid to hug him, and then dabs at the last second. If you don’t know what “dabbing” is, allow me to share with you a dabbing cat shirt. Animal dabbing is the best kind of dabbing (other than my 5 yr old’s dabbing. That’s pretty entertaining!) According to my husband, dab hugging always results in actual hugging. And giggles.
Words of Affirmation
I feel like I’m a pretty good verbal communicator with my kids. I do my best to orally praise them each time I’m proud or pleased. People have given me parenting advice like, “Don’t praise a kid for something they’re supposed to do anyway.” But I don’t follow that advice. I 100% believe that my kids need to hear that I’m happy with them when I’m happy with them. Otherwise, they may not be perceptive enough to pick up on the fact that I notice or approve of their behavior. Seriously, kids are oblivious. So I go out of my way to give them positive verbal reinforcement. I was struggled to find a way to improve in this category. What else should I be doing?
Write a Note
I have Facebook friends who have posted sweet notes that they have gotten from their kids that were written at school. I must admit, I had some jealousy because it seemed like everyone’s kids but mine write their parents sweet notes. One time I got one, but it came with a disclaimer: “Oh yeah, we had to write that.” I’d decided that maybe that just wasn’t my kid’s jam. One day I wrote him a lunchbox note. Nothing fancy, just an, “I love you, have a great day!” note. And I wrote a few more. Dad wrote a few Swedish notes.
I cannot verify that this was a catalyst for change. But I can tell you that I have gotten many, many notes this semester. Maybe he just decided to start writing. Maybe his daddy told him he’d better start writing mama love notes. Then again, maybe he realized that this is a way to express to someone that you’re thinking about them. Be the change you want to see, folks!
Acts of Service
In a relationship, acts of service are intended to be things that you do to intentionally lighten your partner’s load or to, well, serve them. It could be as simple as taking on one of their “regular” chores one day. With kids, it feels like literally my entire life is an act of service to them. I mean, if wiping someone’s hiney on the daily isn’t an act of service, what is? For this love language I wanted to think of things I was basically already doing, but that I could just modify in my delivery to be presented in a loving way.
Favorite Dinner Thursday
I am the cook for dinner more often than not. I do like cooking, but in my opinion it is already an act of service for the family. I’ve decided to instate Favorite Dinner Thursdays, which is exactly what it sounds like. I’m going to rotate and have a different family member choose a favorite for Thursday dinner each week. I have a feeling I’m going to end up with a lot of meatloaf and pork chops, but lucky for me – I like those things. It might not sound like much, but this is a way that I can turn cooking dinner into an intentional way to serve each of them individually. I make their favorite dinners pretty often anyway, but this way it’ll turn it into a special event “just for them.”
Public Service Announcement
This one is, again, Kyle’s brainchild. He has begun announcing whenever he picks something up for one of the kids. Not in like a weird way like Dennis Quaid on Ellen, “Dennis Quaid is here!” Just in a way that says, hey – I’m doing this for you so that you don’t have to. Our oldest constantly leaves his backpack and coat in the middle of the kitchen after school. Almost always, he’s responsible for coming back to hang it up.
But sometimes you clean up after your kids anyway. Instead of just putting it away unnoticed, Kyle will say, “Hey, I’m going to go ahead and put this up for you!” A service that would’ve gone unnoticed can now be appreciated. (This is also nice for the parents – a bit of appreciation goes a long way!) Note: this doesn’t work if you are sounding annoyed about it. It takes a bit of a mindset shift from viewing it as picking up their junk again to seeing it as speaking in love languages.
Mindful Responses
I don’t expect that any of these suggestions were ground breaking or novel ideas. The point of the love languages theory is that you are mindful of how you are expressing yourself. You probably already do many of these things. We have not made any huge changes. But being mindful of the ways we express ourselves has definitely made a difference in our relationships with our kids. Knowing specifically what the boys need from us has made us better parents. And if you weren’t able to pick up on it from this post, my kids have a great dad!
Speaking Their Love Languages
As the boys get bigger, they will each develop a preferred love language. I have some guesses as to what the older two boys’ will be, but I’m interested to see how it plays out! That doesn’t mean we will quit trying to fulfill all five, but there will be one that takes precedence.
Have you read about love languages before? If you’ve applied the theory to your children, what have your results been like? If not, what do you plan to tweak to start regularly hitting all five?
Looking for more ideas to spend quality time with your kids? Don’t forget to check out our Park Scavenger Hunt, & tackle this Summer Reading Challenge as a family!
